(Trigger/content warning: suicide)
I set this up in an attempt to be able to write more freely than I’ve ever written. It’s not working, because I’m still (over a year later) either avoiding writing completely, or, relegating anything I write to the Draft (or trash) folder.
I’m struggling, however, and I’ve decided to conduct an experiment. I’ve decided to try writing a little (here) each day for 30 days to see if getting Things Unsaid off my chest helps reduce the volume and intensity of destructive thoughts. I don’t expect it to be a cure. I’ve journaled for years and I still struggle like I’m getting paid for it. But I also edit myself in my journals to a degree, knowing there is always the chance that someone I know will read them eventually.
I live in this bizarre tension of wanting desperately for people to know the real me, and, not wanting a single soul to know what actually goes on in my head.
The truth is, I’ve struggled for a while with suicidal ideation, and I need the volume on that turned down. And for anyone who felt alarmed by that, please know that a.) I am not in active/acute danger. I have no plan. b.) My support people know and are working with me. c.) I have resources available to help me keep thoughts and actions clearly separate. I don’t actively want to die, I’m just worn out by trying to survive. Something inside me needs to die. I’m in an immeasurable amount of pain. This is what I’m trying to hang on to; suicide is a PAIN problem. It’s not that I don’t want to live – I do, or I wouldn’t be so conflicted. It’s that I’m worn down by pain. BUT …. pain, when shared, expressed, grieved, felt, and honored, does fade. And maybe that’s the point of this experiment? A little sharing, expressing/grieving, honoring what’s got me so sideways? Unclear. But it came to me to try this and I have no other ideas right now, so …. here we are.
I’ll stop here for now. I’m feeling vulnerable and self-conscious, and that’s always when I either Delete or Draft. But if I want a different result for anything, then I’ve got to stop doing the same things. So, this is me, trying something different. I’m telling (more of) the truth, and I’m hitting Publish.
Experiment, Day One.
Anonymously Open 