This is exactly what I do – be it with blogging or social media; I start, I get triggered by “exposure,” I retreat. Sometimes a short while, sometimes to the point of deleting the account.
And that’s okay, but I have no replacement outlet in the meantime.
Something’s got to give.
CW/TW: eating disorder :
Many years ago (almost 20?) I had a full-blown eating disorder. I did the excruciating work of recovering, and I’ve been relatively okay since.
Until now.
I’m (planning on) going to the store soon for certain trigger foods. HOW DID I END UP HERE?!
It probably ultimately boils down to a rather desperate Hail Mary shot for some sense of control. The events of the last year and a half (+) have not helped, nor has the still-ongoing pandemic (made worse for me by people being horrible…). I’ve tried cutting way back on my consumption of news (which I only ever read to begin with) and social media. I have a great therapist. (The best, for me – and no you can’t have their number.) I have a good enough support system, I’m sheltered and fed and have the World’s Best furry companion.
And …..
I desperately need to feel a sense of agency, and control.
(I’m also at my heaviest weight, but we both know this isn’t about weight. Not really.)
It’s easy to target my body right now. That is easier and more familiar than dealing with what’s bothering me more/most. Also, I just spent a week with a very disordered eater/chronic dieter when I was already vulnerable. Also, I recently had a medical issue that triggered food scarcity (and other) issues.
I was ripe for this today.
I have a journal from the eating disorder days. It’s extremely messed up, to put it mildly. My thinking, then. Like, I really need to burn it one of these days. I still have it because what was written in it has been helpful to me at points since – either as evidence of something that was very wrong in my life, or (and) as a reminder of how far gone I was in my thinking. The food diaries, until today, just served as a yellow light, warning me that I never wanted to “diet” again. EVER.
Today, something flipped on its head and turned the food diary portion into a sort of bible (and grocery list). This is where I’m at. Well aware that I’m in need of the illusion of control this badly. Well aware that I am flirting with an extremely slippery slope – and, for right now, simply not caring. Well aware that all this will ultimately lead to is yet another steep mountain for me to climb, AND that I will still have to deal with what I’m trying to outrun.
I know this.
And, I am planning to go to the store anyway. I’m doing all the justifying. All the “It’s just ___ ” and “I need to get some of this extra weight off anyway” and “I can stop” and …… yeah. All of it. If you know, you know.
I think I decided to try writing (yet again) because maybe, just maybe, it will provide enough of a diversion and enough of an outlet and enough relief and perspective that I can will myself back from the ledge and walk home another way.
Right now, what I want far outweighs what I know I need to do. And that is the dance …..
Anonymously Open 